Healing the Heart

Apr 15

Understanding Attachment, Core Wounds, and the Path to Healthy Love

Have you ever wondered why you feel intense anxiety when someone pulls away in a relationship or why you sometimes feel the urge to run when someone gets too close? These emotional patterns are more than just quirks. They're often rooted in early childhood experiences and attachment styles shaped by our caregivers.

The Attachment Blueprint

Let’s start with the basics:

Anxiously attached people often grew up with inconsistent emotional support. Their caregivers may have been physically present but emotionally unavailable. As children, they learned to cling, hoping love would stay. Adults crave security and often chase after connection when it starts to feel distant.
Avoidantly attached people usually had caregivers who couldn’t meet their emotional needs. As a result, they learned to pull away, protect their hearts, and suppress vulnerability. Intimacy can feel like a threat, so they hit “eject” when things get too close.
Secure attachment is the goal. These individuals trust others, feel safe expressing their needs, and can give and receive love freely.

When someone begins to withdraw, anxious types feel that old, familiar panic, a rush of emotion that mirrors the anxiety felt when their primary caregiver failed to respond to their needs. That fear doesn’t come from the present moment; it’s history living in our nervous system.

Nervous System Reset: Healing the Inner Alarm Bells

Inconsistent caregiving wires the nervous system to scan for danger constantly. It kicks us into survival mode, fighting, fleeing, or freezing, in our relationships. The polyvagal theory explains how our autonomic nervous system is hardwired for connection. It’s not just emotional; it’s biological.

In a ventral vagal state, we feel safe and connected.
Sympathetic arousal is when we’re anxious or on edge, ready to fight or flee.
Dorsal vagal shutdown is when we numb, withdraw, or give up.

Our nervous system is already syncing with our caregivers by three months old. If our mother was anxious, unavailable, or emotionally checked out, our body picked up on that. We were primed for fear before we could even speak.

When We’re Met with Love

We learned we mattered when our cries were met with curiosity, warmth, and care. We were co-regulated, and our caregivers helped calm our nervous systems. Over time, we internalized their love as an inner companion that said, You’re okay. But if that wasn’t our experience, we’re still searching for that safety in adulthood.

Many of us grew up with parents who were:

Unavailable
Overwhelmed
Dismissive
Or added to our anxiety

Our bodies remember. The amygdala stores memories of danger and abandonment. Now, as adults, we may overfunction in relationships, tuning in too much to our partner’s emotions and trying to “read the room” to avoid being left.

From Core Wounds to Conscious Love

Unmet needs in childhood can turn into core wounds like:

I’m unlovable
I have to earn love
I must make others happy to feel safe
I can’t trust anyone
If I’m imperfect, I’ll be rejected

These wounds show up in how we love, who we’re drawn to, and how we treat ourselves.

Ask Yourself:

Who do I attract?
What qualities do my partners usually have?
Do my relationships reflect what I want or what I fear?
What happens when I try to express my needs?
When did I first feel this unmet need in childhood?

We often confuse familiar with safe. But just because someone feels like “home” doesn’t mean they’re healthy, especially if “home” is chaotic, dismissive, or unsafe.

A New Kind of Love

Instead of chasing the fairy tale of “the one” who will save us, what if we built a Self-Full love rooted in connection with ourselves first? A love where we feel safe enough to be fully seen, where growth and emotional intimacy are the real goals, not just a ring or status.

Our relationships should be a safe place to express needs, rest, play, and grow. Not a battlefield of survival responses.

From Performance to Presence

So many of us learned we were only valued when we performed: got good grades, stayed quiet, kept the peace. We abandoned our needs to make others comfortable. Eventually, we felt resentful, used, or unseen.

Healing means reclaiming that little version of us who just wanted to be held, seen, and chosen.

Becoming Heart-Aware

Start small:

Notice how you're feeling
Sense your breath
Explore where in your body you're holding tension
Thank your inner protector for helping you survive, but let it know it doesn’t have to stay on high alert

Safety is what we’re seeking, not just love, but safety in love.